Introspection
Jul. 13th, 2007 02:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
skkyechanAnyone else ever have the experience when you just suddenly stop, and look around you with the feeling like you just woke up, and think "What the hell is going on?"?
I've been in a very odd mood for-- well, for at least the past two months (and going on three), but the beginnings of this reach back to beyond Dad. I've been feeling very introspective, and have had a strong urge to focus inward (which, unfortunately, makes me very quiet and odd at social gatherings-- sorry, guys- it's not you, it's me?).
Unfortunately, I don't really have any results, any life-changing realizations to justify all the oddness and moodiness (poor![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
nalroth). I have been able to start looking at my thoughts and feelings, and instead of just intuitively, instinctively dealing with them (which is how I've been all my life-- very act-react), I'm starting to actually get them to crystallize into thought. Which means I can finally trace the source, and start contemplating that. For instance, my abandonment and trust issues have resurfaced with a roar lately, and instead of just riding the emotional roller coaster and just blindly following impulses without ever questioning the 'why' or 'from where', I managed to realize that they're spiking because Dad's gone. But, like I alluded to before, I can't quite get to the point where I understand why. I feel like I've been mentally/emotionally dislocated, and I keep wandering around like a zombie, alternately waiting for and try to get myself snapped back into place. It's been very odd.
And recently I've just had this crazy urge to wander off in the wilderness and climb a mountain and ponder the meaning of life and existance, or something. Unfortunately, there's too many responsibilities and not enough conveniently located mountains. Though Virginia is beautiful, and the people here are amazing, there's a distinct lack of wildness, of nature. I miss being able to just drive to the beach, to nestle into the side of a sand dune and just stare at the ocean, the crash of the surf and the rhythm of the wind lulling you into quiet meditation.
I've been in a very odd mood for-- well, for at least the past two months (and going on three), but the beginnings of this reach back to beyond Dad. I've been feeling very introspective, and have had a strong urge to focus inward (which, unfortunately, makes me very quiet and odd at social gatherings-- sorry, guys- it's not you, it's me?).
Unfortunately, I don't really have any results, any life-changing realizations to justify all the oddness and moodiness (poor
nalroth). I have been able to start looking at my thoughts and feelings, and instead of just intuitively, instinctively dealing with them (which is how I've been all my life-- very act-react), I'm starting to actually get them to crystallize into thought. Which means I can finally trace the source, and start contemplating that. For instance, my abandonment and trust issues have resurfaced with a roar lately, and instead of just riding the emotional roller coaster and just blindly following impulses without ever questioning the 'why' or 'from where', I managed to realize that they're spiking because Dad's gone. But, like I alluded to before, I can't quite get to the point where I understand why. I feel like I've been mentally/emotionally dislocated, and I keep wandering around like a zombie, alternately waiting for and try to get myself snapped back into place. It's been very odd.And recently I've just had this crazy urge to wander off in the wilderness and climb a mountain and ponder the meaning of life and existance, or something. Unfortunately, there's too many responsibilities and not enough conveniently located mountains. Though Virginia is beautiful, and the people here are amazing, there's a distinct lack of wildness, of nature. I miss being able to just drive to the beach, to nestle into the side of a sand dune and just stare at the ocean, the crash of the surf and the rhythm of the wind lulling you into quiet meditation.
