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I hereby declare the day after your Dad dies the worst day ever. When you wake up and realize it wasn't all just a bad dream, there's such hopelessness and pain. I spent most of yesterday just waiting for him to walk in the door, and just missing him so terribly. But we had a lot of friends and family stop by-- my mom's sister, my Aunt Cindy, has been with us since Tuesday evening, and having Patrick here has been the saving grace for me. Other awesome things are having Chantelle come and run errands with me, and cook my family Mom and Brea and I dinner, and having some very, very beautiful flowers sent by loved ones.
Towards the end of the evening we'd had a lot of neighborhood and childhood friends of the family stop by, and we'd all cried and hugged and cuddled enough that we were able to relax a bit and just enjoy company. Bringing out the wedding magazines that![[livejournal.com profile]](http://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
zhai got me in New York also helped-- there's nothing like being catty about fashion to get your mind off of other, less pleasant things!
Today has been spent getting necessary arrangements made-- there's nothing like a To Do list to make Aulwes women feel better. Like deciding that instead of flowers, we want donations sent to the Morro Bay Estuary Program and the Rancho El Chorro outdoor school-- after contacting those places and making arrangements for donations in Dad's memory, I feel better, for one thing.
So.. right now it's okay. It won't be good, not for a long time, and there will be days when it's just awful (I have no idea what holidays are going to be like, and both my and Brea's weddings will just feel empty), but... Dad loved us, and we loved him. I have no regrets (for the first time in my life), just sorrow at not being able to say goodbye, and for all the things I'd planned on sharing with him (like grandchildren) that I'll never have the chance. But all I'll have of him are good memories-- I'll never see him linger in a hospital, slowly deteriorating before our eyes, and I'll never see him suffer. Cold comfort, but all that I'll get when all I want is to see his kind, soft blue eyes again.
Edit: Hi guys-- I just want to say, I'm sorry I haven't responded to most of the comments.. it's just a little much, but I am reading them, and they're helping so much. In response to a comment, the donation information is as follows:
Morro Bay National Estuary Program
601 Embarcadero, Suite 11
Morro Bay, CA 93442
-- My Dad is the man from which I learned most of my love and respect of nature-- he was rather attuned to the ocean, and in particular the local estuary. Preserving it, or helping to, for future generations is something that seems appropriate for his memory.
Rancho El Chorro
2450 Pennington Creek Rd,
San Luis Obispo, CA 93405
-- This is an 'outdoor school', designed to educate and instill a love and fascination with nature in elementary-school kids. Both my little sister and I got to participate in weekend 'sleep-overs' in the bunk-beds and cabins, running through streams and across the hills, and Dad was there too, volunteering and teaching the little ones. Donations to this program would actually go into a fund that would help lessen the cost for schools sending kids to these programs, which seems especially fitting for one who lived to teach wonder and appreciation for nature around us.
Towards the end of the evening we'd had a lot of neighborhood and childhood friends of the family stop by, and we'd all cried and hugged and cuddled enough that we were able to relax a bit and just enjoy company. Bringing out the wedding magazines that
zhai got me in New York also helped-- there's nothing like being catty about fashion to get your mind off of other, less pleasant things!Today has been spent getting necessary arrangements made-- there's nothing like a To Do list to make Aulwes women feel better. Like deciding that instead of flowers, we want donations sent to the Morro Bay Estuary Program and the Rancho El Chorro outdoor school-- after contacting those places and making arrangements for donations in Dad's memory, I feel better, for one thing.
So.. right now it's okay. It won't be good, not for a long time, and there will be days when it's just awful (I have no idea what holidays are going to be like, and both my and Brea's weddings will just feel empty), but... Dad loved us, and we loved him. I have no regrets (for the first time in my life), just sorrow at not being able to say goodbye, and for all the things I'd planned on sharing with him (like grandchildren) that I'll never have the chance. But all I'll have of him are good memories-- I'll never see him linger in a hospital, slowly deteriorating before our eyes, and I'll never see him suffer. Cold comfort, but all that I'll get when all I want is to see his kind, soft blue eyes again.
Edit: Hi guys-- I just want to say, I'm sorry I haven't responded to most of the comments.. it's just a little much, but I am reading them, and they're helping so much. In response to a comment, the donation information is as follows:
Morro Bay National Estuary Program
601 Embarcadero, Suite 11
Morro Bay, CA 93442
-- My Dad is the man from which I learned most of my love and respect of nature-- he was rather attuned to the ocean, and in particular the local estuary. Preserving it, or helping to, for future generations is something that seems appropriate for his memory.
Rancho El Chorro
2450 Pennington Creek Rd,
San Luis Obispo, CA 93405
-- This is an 'outdoor school', designed to educate and instill a love and fascination with nature in elementary-school kids. Both my little sister and I got to participate in weekend 'sleep-overs' in the bunk-beds and cabins, running through streams and across the hills, and Dad was there too, volunteering and teaching the little ones. Donations to this program would actually go into a fund that would help lessen the cost for schools sending kids to these programs, which seems especially fitting for one who lived to teach wonder and appreciation for nature around us.
