It's amazing how much difference a day makes

[skkyechan]

I hereby declare the day after your Dad dies the worst day ever. When you wake up and realize it wasn't all just a bad dream, there's such hopelessness and pain. I spent most of yesterday just waiting for him to walk in the door, and just missing him so terribly. But we had a lot of friends and family stop by-- my mom's sister, my Aunt Cindy, has been with us since Tuesday evening, and having Patrick here has been the saving grace for me. Other awesome things are having Chantelle come and run errands with me, and cook my family Mom and Brea and I dinner, and having some very, very beautiful flowers sent by loved ones.

Towards the end of the evening we'd had a lot of neighborhood and childhood friends of the family stop by, and we'd all cried and hugged and cuddled enough that we were able to relax a bit and just enjoy company. Bringing out the wedding magazines that zhai got me in New York also helped-- there's nothing like being catty about fashion to get your mind off of other, less pleasant things!

Today has been spent getting necessary arrangements made-- there's nothing like a To Do list to make Aulwes women feel better. Like deciding that instead of flowers, we want donations sent to the Morro Bay Estuary Program and the Rancho El Chorro outdoor school-- after contacting those places and making arrangements for donations in Dad's memory, I feel better, for one thing.

So.. right now it's okay. It won't be good, not for a long time, and there will be days when it's just awful (I have no idea what holidays are going to be like, and both my and Brea's weddings will just feel empty), but... Dad loved us, and we loved him. I have no regrets (for the first time in my life), just sorrow at not being able to say goodbye, and for all the things I'd planned on sharing with him (like grandchildren) that I'll never have the chance. But all I'll have of him are good memories-- I'll never see him linger in a hospital, slowly deteriorating before our eyes, and I'll never see him suffer. Cold comfort, but all that I'll get when all I want is to see his kind, soft blue eyes again.

Edit: Hi guys-- I just want to say, I'm sorry I haven't responded to most of the comments.. it's just a little much, but I am reading them, and they're helping so much. In response to a comment, the donation information is as follows:

Morro Bay National Estuary Program
601 Embarcadero, Suite 11
Morro Bay, CA 93442
-- My Dad is the man from which I learned most of my love and respect of nature-- he was rather attuned to the ocean, and in particular the local estuary. Preserving it, or helping to, for future generations is something that seems appropriate for his memory.

Rancho El Chorro
2450 Pennington Creek Rd,
San Luis Obispo, CA 93405
-- This is an 'outdoor school', designed to educate and instill a love and fascination with nature in elementary-school kids. Both my little sister and I got to participate in weekend 'sleep-overs' in the bunk-beds and cabins, running through streams and across the hills, and Dad was there too, volunteering and teaching the little ones. Donations to this program would actually go into a fund that would help lessen the cost for schools sending kids to these programs, which seems especially fitting for one who lived to teach wonder and appreciation for nature around us.

Comments

[theantichrist.livejournal.com]

He seemed really nice, and obviously really smart when I met 'im. :(

[catpawn.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[genmaicha.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry...

healing....

[minxish1.livejournal.com]

There are going to be a lot of ups and down and stupid things are going to set you off for months to come(someone ordering his favorite beer at the table next to you, or a car like his passing you on the freeway, etc). Its OK to get upset now or a year from now, because he will always be your Dad. Talking about it/him will help, writing about it/him will help, crying about it will help, even being pissed off about it will help. But it will be via baby-steps that it starts to get easier... That and getting a dog... :D (Ok, I might have made that last part up).

Seriously, we're all here for you, whether you're the happy glorious Kris or the sad puffy eyed Kris, we're here for you and Patrick, for good. Love you tons and so so sorry.... ::huge big smooshy tight hugs::

Julie

Re: healing....

[leesalogic.livejournal.com]

Julie couldn't have said it any better. I wish I could say something to make it all OK, but I can't. There are things that will happen, just like Julie says, that can bring the pain back fresh, but as time goes on, our ability to take a breath, reflect a moment, then get back into the swing of things gets easier, albeit with a lingering sense of bittersweet.

We love you. ::hugs::

Re: healing....

[jakethrash.livejournal.com]

Just echoing what Julie and Leesa both said.

If you need a shoulder to cry on, or a friendly ear to listen, or a distraction from the world, we'll be here for you.

With much love ::hugs::

Re: healing....

[wbenetti.livejournal.com]

Ehhh, I'm here for Kris. Patrick is a big pain in the ass sometimes. :)

(just kidding).

Also, Kris, if you get a chance can you post information on donations for us here on the East Coast.

[wbenetti.livejournal.com]

I am sorry for your loss.

Life requires death; more true is that love requires loss. If we all lived forever we might never understand how important we are to each other, and how precious our time together is.

It is a good thing that you feel this bad over your father. I know that sounds tacky, but hear me out. It is the bad things in life that make the good things in life stand out. That you feel this bad means you had a lot of love for him and for that i'm glad. Because if you didn't care so much you wouldn't feel bad. Many people don't feel something that strong and meaningful for another person even once in their lifetime. The fact that you do is something to treasure. Grieve for your father and celebrate his life. Know that you'll never forget him.

That means a part of him will always be with you :)

[goldenmist.livejournal.com]

I don't really know what to say, except that I'm sorry for your loss. *hugs*

[aijoskobi.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

[kittenkatt.livejournal.com]

I gotta agree. That's about the worst day you can have. The good news from someone who's working on that day plus ten years? It will eventually stop being the only thing you can think about.

Sorry.

[blueangelrock.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry Kristin.. but the edit from family to "Brea mom and I" really struck a chord with me. You guys aren't any less of a family now that your father has passed. If anything you guys are even more deeply bonded by the love your father has given all of you. He's still with you, watching out for you. You'll feel it. You know I wasn't ever one big on "preaching" that crap.. but I really have felt it since my mother has passed. You notice your traits.. and realize thats your parent reflecting in you. And just the awareness of it makes you smile.

I love you and am willing to help with whatever is within my power.

Anything.

[deepthink.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you. You have loving family and friends to help you through it, and life goes on.

[randomduckies.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss Kris. You have my deepest condolences.

Lisa Z